I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
