i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
