I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
