So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
