The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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