my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
