so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
