I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I cut my penus on the lid.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize