Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Randomize
