Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
