Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
