If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
