We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
