Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
