I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize