i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
