Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I think i peed on brittanys purse
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
