He passed out mid-signature
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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