my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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