I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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