She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
