Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize