So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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