I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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