I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
