we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
