No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Randomize
