Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
