The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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