The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
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