To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
