She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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