Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
