the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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