I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
