i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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