the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
