i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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