They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
