Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
