i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Can you bring me the toilet please
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
