is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
