genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
