I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
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