saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
