whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
then he tried to convert me to islam
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
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