It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
