Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
