Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
pop tarts are not kleenex
it's like iHOP with fire
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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