Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize