Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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