You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
