Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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