I think i peed on brittanys purse
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
