I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
you're hired as official boob wrangler
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Randomize
