It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
