ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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