She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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