I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
