I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
