I feel great
I just peed on a car
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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