how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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