'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Randomize
