Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
